The spiritual education of Children
by Sandra P. Reyes V.
Presentation
This text is an attempt to bring certain spiritual principles outlined by the Trans-Himalayan Tradition to anyone interested in children. I am assuming that my readers are spiritually oriented. I show the relationship of the child’s development to how parents relate to the child, to the kinds of choices the adult makes and to the strategies employed. And then, later in life, I show how these lessons learned can advance the spiritual development of the child himself. I have tried to write this in a simple, non-dogmatic, and profoundly practical way. My hope is that these ideas can be inculcated in parents and then on to the young ones from earliest childhood, through the activities of daily life in order to enhance their spiritual development.
Children learn primarily by example. In order to aim for a sustained spiritual development during the course of their lives, ideally children need to be surrounded by adults who have some degree of integrated personalities. The premise is that the child will become a better adult when led by fully developed personalities. I realize that this is not always possible but my essay will give hints as how to proceed.
Child, parent, teacher and therapist perform better when they are influenced by the Soul. For many of us, we are just in the process of becoming soul infused personalities and so it is my intent that this essay also seeks to assist parents in the integration of their own personalities through the conscious development of Love toward their children. This includes intelligent activity and the inherent sacrifice that this challenge poses. This means the development of a certain amount of detachment in order to be more successful in dealing with children and all their activities and joys.
For me, the practice of psychology is a form of service to suffering humanity. I have chosen this as my career path. I have tried to incorporate my clinical experience working with children and their parents as well as my studies of the Trans-Himalayan Esotericism in the Morya Federation. I hope to give my readers a glimpse into the psychological process, which I practice, and to see how it can serve to benefit all. I have given some specific examples in the hope that they can be useful and interesting to those who read this paper.
The inspiration for the realization of this work was an excerpt from The Problems of Humanity which states that children in their primary stage of development should address the coordination of their physical bodies and the formation of their character. Add to this the concept of Civilization before Culture—understanding that Civilization is based on right human relationships. This in turn is based on Love and other spiritual principles as order, responsibility and the principle of Unity.
The primary schools might be regarded as the custodians of civilization; they should begin to train the child in the nature of the world in which he should play his part, teaching him his place in the group and preparing him for intelligent living and right social relations. Reading, writing and arithmetic, elementary history (with the emphasis upon world history), geography and poetry will be taught and certain basic and important facts of living imparted, plus the inculcation of self-control. [PH, 55]
During the development of this paper the distinction between physical-sensorial, mental and emotional dimensions of children has been emphasized. I will show how development follows a definite progression, wherein the mental realm can organize and coordinate emotional and physical realms, and in due time, in a similar progression, the spiritual dimension could be imposed over the merely intellectual. In this progression we can see how the mind is the rector of all progress in development, and can provide children the capability of self-control, self-direction, self-assertion, self-healing, etc. But, as children do not have a mature mental body, it is the duty of parents to help them. Parents are outer auxiliaries directing them and adjusting their thought. Ultimately parents can prepare children to attune to the influence of the Soul.
I have also tried to permeate on this paper with the esoteric teachings on Astrology and Psychology in order to explain that early development of children can represent a lower expression of the Path of return, and how, if we understand this, we can plant the seed of spirituality in children. Therefore I am presenting four key subject areas on which we can work to ensure that children will grow harmoniously in Wisdom, Strength and inner Beauty.
The following has also been emphasized —the basic distinction between spirituality and religiosity, and that true spirituality can be lived (and developed), regardless of religious dogma (or lack thereof) in the family. One point must be made here—dogma inflicts restraint or beliefs from without, but the psychologist works from within. I try to stimulate better thoughts which come via the Soul to the Mental body. In this way, the young child can learn to use the mind in order to control thoughts and emotions.
Introduction
Children of today are taught to behave well —do not be restless, do not embarrass the parents, do not tell lies, do not interrupt adult conversations, do not complain if something does not go as they please, do not ask too much, do not interrupt when adults rest, do not break anything, do not fight, do not shout. It seems that good behavior has to do with not doing a lot of things.
Some lucky families have more positive ideas about good behavior, for example —eat all the vegetables, put toys, clothes away, This is better than the negative expression. But more can be done.
“Behave and be good” has to do with very simple values: safety, love and living together. Issues of consideration, affection, and just daily home maintenance come into play. My goal is to the child to realize that, yes there are practical reasons for certain actions but in the end it is better to choose to be good as an act out of love
Children do not shun work or even discipline itself. They can readily accept it unless we sabotage it by our facial expression that these are unpleasant tasks, tasks that no one wants to do. We can provide living examples that it is a good idea to strive to perform tasks in a good mood so that the child does not develop resentment. We can also emphasize the non-use of dangerous things (“You do not play with knives”) and not engage in risky activities (“No one runs up the stairs”). We suggest that the child follows basic principles of safety and emphasizes that it is natural because we want safety for people we love.
A child who understands order as love and rules as security is a child that usually obeys after a brief explanation. Such a child will surely become empathetic and finally compassionate.
Four key topics
Aggression, reparation and forgiveness (Aries)
We all have a certain amount of aggression in our psychological make up. We desire to defend ourselves and we get angry with certain stimuli. In no case is it easy to handle this range of emotions and impulses.
Aggression and selfishness are rooted in the recognition of non-self. That is, at some point in early development the child begins to define what he is and what he is not, starting with the limits of his own body. Of course, that which is foreign to him, becomes unknown and threatening. Obviously the child does not reason any of this, he just logs it into his range of emotions and sensory memories— we could say that he records this in his unconscious. Here in these deeper regions, he starts making more precise distinctions and with the help of his mind he becomes increasingly more developed, for example: I am from this family (and others are not), I am from that country, of that religion, of that sport team, etc., and so distinctions continue until at some point in adulthood it reaches the highest degree of separation, and thus becomes a strong identity. By this I mean the child has learned to distinguish himself from the rest of the world (ahamkara) and has gained a sense of dominance or the reverse, compared to others.
The stage of Aries is related to raw physical experience. This has been depicted in a detailed paper by Michael Robbins on the Egoic Lotus.
This is an important point. The ego or sense of self that babies and little children have is derived from the physical body. Aries in early stages is also related with the need to take root in life, with beginnings, impulse and self assertion.
Although early in life, the child is aware that he can do harm, he can, however, do almost nothing to avoid it, which generates within him a sense of anguish. In fact, most children fear their own aggression. They can sense that after they attack, people would stop loving them or that they hurt them in retaliation. This is the reason why even in the case of very young children parents and therapists must make it clear that real damage can result. For example, biting, hitting, screaming, is hurtful and has consequences. Such incidents can be repaired and it must be emphasized that the child will not lose love and care from their parents and family.
When a child hurts we encourage him to make amends. He should seek out the person that he had hurt. Or the child should replace or fix whatever is broken. He can learn to comfort the one he hit and apologize. Less scolding is best for the younger child. What must be emphasized is that we must demonstrate how the child can repair the damage done. If the child repairs or makes amends, then it is our obligation to make it clear that he is forgiven.
Another attitude that we must prevent is to confuse the child about the extent of the damage. Often we tend to exaggerate the damage done by the child depending on our mood. For example, if we had a bad day we might reprove the child more strongly that if we are relaxed. The opposite is also true— if we are in a good mood we may even get to celebrate aggression with phrases like: “Look how strong he is!” Likewise, it is customary to pretend that even we, the big people, cry when the child gets hit or receives a minor bite. Sometimes in this way by teasing the child we gain a sort of cruel pleasure by seeing his little face in anguish. This kind of play acting is not useful and can be confusing. In this way adults instill bad habits when the child is an infant or still a very young child. This causes confusion. Later when the child grows and gets seriously hurt but now instead of the usual treatment that is seeing the adult cry in jest or joking, the child gets a look of anger, a scream or a slap. All things are best accomplished with consistency and the right response for the action. Consistency is the key.
A child who assaults is a child who is afraid. In fact, an adult who assaults is an adult with fear. This is because in the depth of our being whenever we attack we are defending ourselves from something—in spite of not being sure about what we are defending ourselves from—or we're not viewing the things correctly. This is the reason why we should always ask the child with patience and depth why he attacked, “What were you doing?,” “what did you say?,” “how did you feel?” These questions help the child more than a warning or phrases such as “children must not hit because nobody will want to play with you.” Looking at that last sentence in the light of that aggression we can lead the child to see that it all comes from fear. Sometimes admonitions work and the child stops hitting, but it is by no means a healthy way to manage aggression. One can see the spiritual ramifications—by reflecting back honestly, the child can “see more clearly.” This is my job, to help the child see and react with more thought.
Going deeper we can say that aggression emerges when we are afraid to lose something, somebody or that something is going to hurt us. A good example of this is that of the father who is worried about his son and instead of getting closer to him and talking about his mistakes and how to overcome them, he scolds the child all the time— actually we can conjecture that the father is truly concerned that the child may not do the right things in life, and therefore, the child will suffer, that is to say, he is afraid for him, but because he cannot tell this to the child, the only strategy that comes to mind is to make the child feel rejected. For this father the aggressive tone of the reprimand seems right. In the long run, this will not achieve the desired end. It is the therapist’s role to clarify all of this for the parent so that he can then be more effective in handling his child.
As we can see fear and aggression are closely related at any age. We must explain, make clear what they are feeling when they get angry and show them how anger, most of the time, is not a real solution. We emphasize that attack is not a good response. On the other hand we need to emphasize that we are not angry with him, because we can understand him. We bring the mind into play. We clarify. We help the child to see and to make better choices. One is reminded of the Buddhist admonition, “Not this, not that.”
Aries rules the head and therefore is a very mental sign. It leads to the Probationary Path and to the impulse towards the release from form. (WH, 34) One of the main tasks on this sign is to control the lower thoughts to let prevail the higher ones. In child development the task should be to stimulate the concrete mind as self-regulator of behavior, as we have explained previously.
This is a brief summary of the Sign of Aries
Element: Fire sign (as are Leo and Sagittarius).
Quality: The Initiation. Beginnings. Will or Power is expressed through the great creative process. In the early stages, the activities are directed towards the material side of life, and later to the spiritual side.
Opposite: Libra. An air sign (the balance).
Regents: Exoteric, Mars, Esoteric, Mercury.
Keywords: From the standpoint of form, “Let form again be sought” from the standpoint of the soul, “I come forth, and from the plane of mind, I rule.” (This phrase relates to the influence of Mercury.) (WH, 180)
Fear and suffering (Taurus)
In exoteric Astrology, Taurus is a sign of stabilization of the form. It is a sign which relates to the world of form. It also relates to attachment and aversion, as well as to Desire. In Esoteric Psychology this is seen as the first reflection of the will.
Taurus stimulates the first consolidation of dualities: the world of form and the inner world, the self and the first social demands as bowel and bladder control. Ingrained in Taurus are the first seeds of separativeness, the perception of opposites —finally Taurus is opposite Scorpio—and the fear of being hurt.
Fear of suffering is the cause of many problems throughout our lives, so it is better that we help our children to put painful things into context. This again instills some detachment.
If the child falls we must comfort, calm and interest him in the game again. If someone mocks him, it's good to explain to him that we all have ridiculed once in a while, including the one who laughed of him, but that does not make him better or worse, and we can also tell him how good he is at certain things (but be sure that those things are real), so the child can feel confident of his own value. By reinforcing the good we establish a pattern.
To an angry or frustrated child a space to calm down should be offered. That's the real purpose of “time out.” So we should not give this the connotation of punishment nor transmit the message “get out of my sight because right now I don't like you.” On the contrary, it is best to explain to the child that this space is for him to calm down and think about other things, and then he can be happy again. This neutral place sets a tone of detachment.
Even in these cases it is worth asking him: “Would you like to be happy or angry?“ If he answers “happy” then we must tell him that he must make an effort to calm down, take a deep breath and make a funny face. This instills choice, an action which will help him later as he learns to choose more wisely in life.
If he answers that he wants to stay angry, it's good to question the underlying cause—why? who? The most common targets are the parents, followed by siblings and playmates. In any case we can clarify feelings and help him see that he is angry with others to make them feel the same rejection or anger as the child. We can emphasize that if it is wrong that one person feels bad, it is even worse that two or more feel the same way, so it is better that he makes an attempt to feel calmer and then everyone will be better. If there is a problem of limits or actual abuse then we have to take actions. When this is accomplished then it is important to make sure it will not happen again. There must be restraint. In this way he learns to quiet the “chit” and create a state of quietude or peace.
A frequent complaint of parents is that children want everything, all the time— toys, candies, kisses, attention, etc. Our astral nature begins to work early in the life, and without proper mental development there is no restraint for our wanting drive. Even little children are training their astral body's wanting. Similarly, later in life and when on the Path, aspirants and disciples have the task of controlling the astral body. Desires and aversions must one day be transmuted into will. So early in life we can help our children control the wanting drive in two ways —depending on the age of the child—first, make them wait for the fulfillment of their wishes or make them wait for a bigger satisfaction instead of the first. We can explain that our physical body can not eat candy all the time because it is harmful, our emotional body can not want things all the time. To satisfy these desires would be exhausting and sickening.
This are the main notes on the Sign of Taurus
Element: Earth sign (as are Virgo and Capricorn).
Quality: The desire for the mass of men will or purpose intended by the disciple.
Opposite: Scorpio, water sign (conflict of duality, the desire to overcome them successful discipleship). Regents:
Exoteric: Venus, Esoteric: Vulcan.
Keywords: From the standpoint of form,”May the force be persistent“, from the standpoint of the soul, “I see and when the eye is opened, all is light.” (This phrase relates to the soul’s vision.) (WH, 180)
Verbalizing experiences (Gemini)
Gemini is a sign related to the lower mind, with duality and the recognition of the world through language. It is related also to amazement, with the need to know and to be curious. In Discipleship, in this sign the task is to defeat glamour and illusion, as Hercules did, when he reached the golden apples of the Hesperides. In short, one must look for and reach the Truth. Here is empahasized right use of mind. In early childhood development our goal is to assist the child to get some control over the astral nature, to learn and gain some experience in the world. It is a “Me versus the others”. The child needs help to understand his own emotions and to manage them.
Now, let us assess one of the most notorious and uncontrolled emotional reactions in children—crying. When a child cries it is important to not only seek to silence him, but to understand the reason for the tears. One must first distinguish the cries of other expressions such as crying from a tantrum. The tantrum is a loud cry, angry or a protest that occurs as a result of the frustration of a child's wish. The cry of fear, anger, pain, anxiety is different because it is not related to desires but with stressful situations such as a fight, a loud noise, a family conflict, feelings of helplessness, and so on. In this instance the therapist or the parent must learn to discriminate in order to make the right decision and thus lead the child in the right direction.
Tears are to be understood in terms of the child's age and the message that he is giving us. For example: “I'm scared of your fights”, “I thought something would happen to me when I fell”, “I can not do this or that”. Once we understand the situation we may have to explain it to the child, “Wow! It was a shock isn't it?, Luckily nothing happened. Come back to play but with more care.” Or: “Yes, I know you feel bad that your cousins were fighting, but look: they are well now, everything is over.” The formula here is: To explain, calm and change the subject or activity.
Let's be clear — children are not born knowing how to calm down as easily as pressing a button. They must be taught. Ask them to lower their voice so that you can hear, ask them to tell you what is going on slowly, ask them to breathe and look toward the ceiling and the floor. Give instructions such as “stick out your tongue, now put it inside back and close one eye”, “imagine a dove on an elephant”, etc. Such instructions help their minds control the emotion that made them react. Once they have become calm, we can give them some pats on the head or on the back and say something like: “It is good to know that everything is ok” or, “You can go back to play now”, etc.
The cries of children can be truly maddening, it is true, but it is vital to control the expression of our eyes and our faces, because often our reaction produces more fear or upset, because they feel misunderstood and as you can imagine, this does not help. In this way the parent or guardian learns detachment.
It is quite possible that when the child begins to show concern or worry, and if you do not know why you, yourself, might be scared. It is important to try to find out how serious the issue is—if he or she is hurt, if he is scared, if he felt attacked. For us as adults it may not have much importance, but it is not useful to say: “do not cry for such nonsense”, or “nothing has happened to you”. First you have to overcome the shock and then help the child to calm down; think that for him or her, things are really important and in any case, try to put things in context: “After a while, you will not remember this”, “tomorrow or in two days, I'm sure you'll achieve this”, “You'll see that everything will be fine”. All these are strategies that can help the child reframe the experience.
To understand the esoteric value of these techniques, we must know that they serve to calm the astral, reflect back the actions, and bring about stillness and a sense of tranquility. This accomplished we can help the child to become more “detached” and eventually develop a sense of harmlessness.
If the child is actually having a tantrum, he needs to be calmed down, but first we must explain something like this: “Look, I understand that you want X, but right now I'm not going to give it to you because of Y reasons, even if you cry a lot, but if you keep crying, then both of us, you and I, will feel too bad and very angry, and that is not nice. A better way would be to give them an option with a social or emotional booster. In this way we teach “self reliance.”
The Y reason given must be valid. Sometimes children must tend to overindulge by eating too much candy that day or week, or they want a particular toy. The important thing is that the response from the adult has to be clear, firm and not exaggerated. Children are very smart and will realize deception sooner or later. This will undermine their confidence in us. On the other hand, it will give them the idea that they can lie to get what they want. Here we are talking about nothing less than the value of Truth. In this way we develop integrity and a sense of trust…both important on the path of illumination. Each strategy that the psychologist employs has a resonance with the Soul and overtime better habits come into being.
Some key notes of Gemini
Element: Air sign (as are Libra and Aquarius).
Quality: Duality. Love-Wisdom. Fluency. Control of each pair of opposites. The underlying love of the Deity reaches our solar system through Gemini.
Opposite: Sagittarius. A fire sign (unidirectional, preparation for initiation).
Regents: Exoteric: Mercury, Esoteric: Venus.
Keywords: From the standpoint of form, “Let instability do its work”, from the standpoint of the soul “I recognize my other self and in the waning of that other self I grow and glow.” (Now the Soul begins to relate to the personality.)
Development Of Filial Love (Cancer)
In the Cancerian stage of development there takes place a flowering of the emotional world. This includes all the attachments to the family group and to the “friends of home.” This is where the child solidifies his base, where he takes root. His sense of security is largely based on an attachment to “the mother” or to the “mother” figure in his life. Tribal and cultural conditioning also occurs.
This Cancerian stage is the logical development from Gemini where the mind became focused.
Cancer is the first sign of the second quadrant, the others quadrant, and is where the child takes possession of his inner world. At this stage there is a deep emotional connection to the parents, but most especially the mother. At this stage, it is the responsibility of parents to provide a sense of security and to help the child begin to develop a modicum of emotional control. This will provide a stable basis for further development as the child progresses. The role of the psychologist is to point out the opportunities as well as the problems of this stage. Knowledge will bring power and skill to the parental interaction.
Parenting is a highly complex experience in itself bringing much responsibility, emotional challenges and stress. But parenting is a perfect opportunity to grow as a person, develop the true personality and to become aware of the Soul. Moreover, parents can help each other grow. It is a natural vehicle for the inflow of the 2nd Ray, the Ray of Love/Wisdom and with it comes the clearest example we have of “true love.” The point is that this kind of love is not for free, and doesn't comes in a package with the newborn child, and we must be open to love and light and be willing to learn, grow and adapt.
During pregnancy, many fears arise about the health of the child, about the mother, about the future. Herein lies one of the most transcendental tasks (along with quitting smoking, taking folic acid, etc.), which is to confront and control our own emotions, desires and outworn ideas.
Every emotion can teach us something, either outside or inside of ourselves, but once we get the lesson, charged as it is with emotion, it is healthier to let it go. For example, anxiety is an anticipatory emotion that tells us that we do not feel capable, that we may not have the necessary tools to deal with a challenge. In the case of parenting it is true that we cannot be one hundred percent prepared, but anxiety does not help one to do it better. Therefore, all anguish about the child: health, labor, education, etc., must be taken in stride and then let go. This practice, if learned early, can be useful as the habit of detachment will become fixed. Any parent will find detachment useful as the years pass.
One useful exercise could be to write a list or even better to create a diary of these anxieties. Typically they are associated with a thought or belief and are easy to write down. The trick is to write them down and make a firm commitment to resolve them immediately, if that is possible, as in the case when buying bottles, a crib or the insurance for college. If it cannot be resolved quickly then we should relax and learn to let the anxiety fade away. After all, anguish does not make things better and doesn't help either the parents or the baby, or the world. By forming the habit of controlling anxiety, one begins to learn to control the emotions in general. This is an important step on the Path of the Aspirant toward a higher way of living. In short, proper control of emotions is very important to live well, regardless if one is the parent or child. On the other hand, a child is the best reason to learn self-control, to be a good model. Our children will have a better life if they learn to handle their emotions. They will be one step further in creating the framework for a life controlled more by the mind and in the end by the Soul itself.
This are some Key words on the Sign of Cancer
Element: Water sign (as are Scorpio and Pisces).
Quality: Sensitivity of the mass, for the common man of mass identification with form, to the disciple, service to the masses.
Opposite: Capricorn, an earth sign (spiritual knowledge after the fight, place of birth of Christ).
Regents: Exoteric: Moon, Esoteric: Neptune.
Keywords: From the standpoint of form, “Let isolation be the rule and yet—the crowd exists.”, from the standpoint of the soul, “I build a lighted house and therein dwell.”
Conclusion
With the sign Cancer we come to the end of the first quadrant, the quadrant which deals with Early Childhood. It is within this realm that I do my work. Later quadrants go on to express early adult hood, maturity and old age. It is interesting to note that Capricorn, the sign opposite Cancer, expresses the “high noon of life.” This point of maximum development is also the sign of the Disciple and of Initiation. The point here is that if the ground work is laid in early childhood, one may make that ascension more easily.
My job as a child psychologist is to assist the young child to become an agent of light; to be more open to the Soul, to eventually be drawn to serve. This is why I am a “psychologist” a knower of the soul in the literate sense. I aim to help the “little ones.”
I hope that this paper will form the structure for a book on child development. I heartily solicit input from Morya College, faculty and students, so that I can polish my thoughts. Thank you for all your support and patience.